What the Hell Am I Doing?!?

I have often told people that I love my life. Through every tragedy I've suffered, I have survived it and continued the fight. I feel I've lost the fight and yet I'm still here. What the hell keeps me going?!? Hope? For what?!? That I will find someone new that will me make happy again? I had everything I ever wanted in my life..and yet..I couldn't even hold on long enough to it. No matter how hard I tried..it still managed to slip my grasp. WHY?!? What have I done that was so wrong, that happiness never last with me? Who did I wrong? The few moments of happiness I have now last for but a moment. If I blink..its gone. I try not to blink, not to fall asleep, not to miss the moment and yet I still fail to capture it long enough to be lost in it. I crave it only because I need it. Make me happy and I will strive to return the same favor. It seems that people find that too hard to accept, that it could be so simple. I do love my life I just hate where I am! I hate trying to figure out how to start over again. It is easier to rebuild a building but a life.. that's hard. Where is the blue print for that. I might know it but once torn you can't follow the same pattern. Try hard not to latch on, its just a setup for disappointment. Why even bother anymore? I lived a beautiful life for almost 5 years. I guess I should consider how lucky I am, when there are so many people who have never found what they are looking for, or even know what they really want or need. I just want to be loved and to love. That is my purpose in life. To care for those I love and love me. That makes me happy. That makes me complete. Why is that so hard to understand and accept. I am that simple. I am that straight forward. There are no hidden agendas to what I want..to what I need. I wish I knew what the hell I was doing!