Unable to Sleep...
Here I find myself again..unable to sleep. Before it used to be because I was awake worrying or taking care of my family. For 2 1/2 years I spent my life working the night shift coming home at midnight to clean house till 3am. Then I would go to bed only to breifly wake my husband to let him know I was home and tell him good night. Then up again at 6am to tell him good morning as he went to work. Then sleep for an hour only start my day again taking care of our newborn daughter. Then once my husband was home it was off to work again. And so the cycle continued, unchanged.
Sacrifice is what all this boiled down to. But now when I look back I see that I sacrificed my family in trying to provide for their well being..I lost my time with them. My job got the better of me.
Now I'm awake and for what? So I can look back and then find myself missing what I missed. I should be sleeping, tranquil that I have done my job and spent my time with my daughter.
But I'm not tranquil; my mind is reeling over past times. I have not yet found the peace I once thought I had.
Briefly I have experience this sense of peace, recently too. It was in the arms of a friend. When he is with me, he has made me feel beautiful again. He's caused me to smile and laugh more times than I have in years. He brings out the drive in me that makes me look forward to the next day.
I look foward to waking up knowing that later that day I will see him and share a moment with him, even if it is just for a short moment. He has made me feel that I can open myself again to the possibility that I can rebuild my life and be happy again.
But I still find myself from, time to time, remembering what I am missing. I have nothing to do except reflect on my own. I want to move beyond reflection. I want a life again. How do I find and learn to hold on to it?
This is going to take time I realize, the question is:
"Do I have the patience to start over again?"
I guess if its something that I really want, then I'm going to have to push foward and figure it out.
*sigh*
Here I go...
Sacrifice is what all this boiled down to. But now when I look back I see that I sacrificed my family in trying to provide for their well being..I lost my time with them. My job got the better of me.
Now I'm awake and for what? So I can look back and then find myself missing what I missed. I should be sleeping, tranquil that I have done my job and spent my time with my daughter.
But I'm not tranquil; my mind is reeling over past times. I have not yet found the peace I once thought I had.
Briefly I have experience this sense of peace, recently too. It was in the arms of a friend. When he is with me, he has made me feel beautiful again. He's caused me to smile and laugh more times than I have in years. He brings out the drive in me that makes me look forward to the next day.
I look foward to waking up knowing that later that day I will see him and share a moment with him, even if it is just for a short moment. He has made me feel that I can open myself again to the possibility that I can rebuild my life and be happy again.
But I still find myself from, time to time, remembering what I am missing. I have nothing to do except reflect on my own. I want to move beyond reflection. I want a life again. How do I find and learn to hold on to it?
This is going to take time I realize, the question is:
"Do I have the patience to start over again?"
I guess if its something that I really want, then I'm going to have to push foward and figure it out.
*sigh*
Here I go...
posted by simonewarrior @ 10:54 PM
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