Unable to Sleep...

Here I find myself again..unable to sleep. Before it used to be because I was awake worrying or taking care of my family. For 2 1/2 years I spent my life working the night shift coming home at midnight to clean house till 3am. Then I would go to bed only to breifly wake my husband to let him know I was home and tell him good night. Then up again at 6am to tell him good morning as he went to work. Then sleep for an hour only start my day again taking care of our newborn daughter. Then once my husband was home it was off to work again. And so the cycle continued, unchanged.
Sacrifice is what all this boiled down to. But now when I look back I see that I sacrificed my family in trying to provide for their well being..I lost my time with them. My job got the better of me.
Now I'm awake and for what? So I can look back and then find myself missing what I missed. I should be sleeping, tranquil that I have done my job and spent my time with my daughter.
But I'm not tranquil; my mind is reeling over past times. I have not yet found the peace I once thought I had.
Briefly I have experience this sense of peace, recently too. It was in the arms of a friend. When he is with me, he has made me feel beautiful again. He's caused me to smile and laugh more times than I have in years. He brings out the drive in me that makes me look forward to the next day.
I look foward to waking up knowing that later that day I will see him and share a moment with him, even if it is just for a short moment. He has made me feel that I can open myself again to the possibility that I can rebuild my life and be happy again.
But I still find myself from, time to time, remembering what I am missing. I have nothing to do except reflect on my own. I want to move beyond reflection. I want a life again. How do I find and learn to hold on to it?
This is going to take time I realize, the question is:
"Do I have the patience to start over again?"
I guess if its something that I really want, then I'm going to have to push foward and figure it out.
*sigh*
Here I go...

What the Hell Am I Doing?!?

I have often told people that I love my life. Through every tragedy I've suffered, I have survived it and continued the fight. I feel I've lost the fight and yet I'm still here. What the hell keeps me going?!? Hope? For what?!? That I will find someone new that will me make happy again? I had everything I ever wanted in my life..and yet..I couldn't even hold on long enough to it. No matter how hard I tried..it still managed to slip my grasp. WHY?!? What have I done that was so wrong, that happiness never last with me? Who did I wrong? The few moments of happiness I have now last for but a moment. If I blink..its gone. I try not to blink, not to fall asleep, not to miss the moment and yet I still fail to capture it long enough to be lost in it. I crave it only because I need it. Make me happy and I will strive to return the same favor. It seems that people find that too hard to accept, that it could be so simple. I do love my life I just hate where I am! I hate trying to figure out how to start over again. It is easier to rebuild a building but a life.. that's hard. Where is the blue print for that. I might know it but once torn you can't follow the same pattern. Try hard not to latch on, its just a setup for disappointment. Why even bother anymore? I lived a beautiful life for almost 5 years. I guess I should consider how lucky I am, when there are so many people who have never found what they are looking for, or even know what they really want or need. I just want to be loved and to love. That is my purpose in life. To care for those I love and love me. That makes me happy. That makes me complete. Why is that so hard to understand and accept. I am that simple. I am that straight forward. There are no hidden agendas to what I want..to what I need. I wish I knew what the hell I was doing!

My Love..

What do you do when the love of your life is no longer in your life? How do you deal with the infinite knowledge that you will never see this person not because it was a bad break up but rather because it is God who has reclaimed him? When does the hurt go away?
I’ve heard that one becomes immortal through those who love and remember the soul that is now absent. Through my tears I know that my husband is truly immortal. I miss him so much that it hurts to remember not who he was but that he isn’t anymore. When will I stop crying?
Erik and I never dated. In fact our beginning friendship came from our failed relationships. Perhaps this is why we ended up together. I used to kid him that we were each other’s enemy and that in our joined friendship; we could benefit to share each other’s secrets of the opposite sex.
I remember the first time I ever met Erik. He was playing basketball at my then best friend’s house. He was a little overweight, shirtless, in old shorts, wearing the most ragged out pair of leather sandals I had ever seen in my life. It wasn't till now that I realized what a lasting impression he had made on me.