Unable to Sleep...

Here I find myself again..unable to sleep. Before it used to be because I was awake worrying or taking care of my family. For 2 1/2 years I spent my life working the night shift coming home at midnight to clean house till 3am. Then I would go to bed only to breifly wake my husband to let him know I was home and tell him good night. Then up again at 6am to tell him good morning as he went to work. Then sleep for an hour only start my day again taking care of our newborn daughter. Then once my husband was home it was off to work again. And so the cycle continued, unchanged.
Sacrifice is what all this boiled down to. But now when I look back I see that I sacrificed my family in trying to provide for their well being..I lost my time with them. My job got the better of me.
Now I'm awake and for what? So I can look back and then find myself missing what I missed. I should be sleeping, tranquil that I have done my job and spent my time with my daughter.
But I'm not tranquil; my mind is reeling over past times. I have not yet found the peace I once thought I had.
Briefly I have experience this sense of peace, recently too. It was in the arms of a friend. When he is with me, he has made me feel beautiful again. He's caused me to smile and laugh more times than I have in years. He brings out the drive in me that makes me look forward to the next day.
I look foward to waking up knowing that later that day I will see him and share a moment with him, even if it is just for a short moment. He has made me feel that I can open myself again to the possibility that I can rebuild my life and be happy again.
But I still find myself from, time to time, remembering what I am missing. I have nothing to do except reflect on my own. I want to move beyond reflection. I want a life again. How do I find and learn to hold on to it?
This is going to take time I realize, the question is:
"Do I have the patience to start over again?"
I guess if its something that I really want, then I'm going to have to push foward and figure it out.
*sigh*
Here I go...

What the Hell Am I Doing?!?

I have often told people that I love my life. Through every tragedy I've suffered, I have survived it and continued the fight. I feel I've lost the fight and yet I'm still here. What the hell keeps me going?!? Hope? For what?!? That I will find someone new that will me make happy again? I had everything I ever wanted in my life..and yet..I couldn't even hold on long enough to it. No matter how hard I tried..it still managed to slip my grasp. WHY?!? What have I done that was so wrong, that happiness never last with me? Who did I wrong? The few moments of happiness I have now last for but a moment. If I blink..its gone. I try not to blink, not to fall asleep, not to miss the moment and yet I still fail to capture it long enough to be lost in it. I crave it only because I need it. Make me happy and I will strive to return the same favor. It seems that people find that too hard to accept, that it could be so simple. I do love my life I just hate where I am! I hate trying to figure out how to start over again. It is easier to rebuild a building but a life.. that's hard. Where is the blue print for that. I might know it but once torn you can't follow the same pattern. Try hard not to latch on, its just a setup for disappointment. Why even bother anymore? I lived a beautiful life for almost 5 years. I guess I should consider how lucky I am, when there are so many people who have never found what they are looking for, or even know what they really want or need. I just want to be loved and to love. That is my purpose in life. To care for those I love and love me. That makes me happy. That makes me complete. Why is that so hard to understand and accept. I am that simple. I am that straight forward. There are no hidden agendas to what I want..to what I need. I wish I knew what the hell I was doing!

My Love..

What do you do when the love of your life is no longer in your life? How do you deal with the infinite knowledge that you will never see this person not because it was a bad break up but rather because it is God who has reclaimed him? When does the hurt go away?
I’ve heard that one becomes immortal through those who love and remember the soul that is now absent. Through my tears I know that my husband is truly immortal. I miss him so much that it hurts to remember not who he was but that he isn’t anymore. When will I stop crying?
Erik and I never dated. In fact our beginning friendship came from our failed relationships. Perhaps this is why we ended up together. I used to kid him that we were each other’s enemy and that in our joined friendship; we could benefit to share each other’s secrets of the opposite sex.
I remember the first time I ever met Erik. He was playing basketball at my then best friend’s house. He was a little overweight, shirtless, in old shorts, wearing the most ragged out pair of leather sandals I had ever seen in my life. It wasn't till now that I realized what a lasting impression he had made on me.

The Unexpected Happended and I Saw It..

Today was like any other. Left to work too early in the morning as I usually do. Tired with the everyday struggles of our lives, something that I have been becoming very used to now. Today was not a good day. I left work to get get breakfast as usual. Today for some reason I didn't drive on the freeway, I took the feeder road. What was ahead came as a shock to me. I saw an 8 year old boy, lying in a pool of his blood. Imobile and fragile, my emotions have overwhelmed me. I watch his mother and kneeling byside him, looking down at him, unable to help him. I felt helpless too. I called 911 since there wasn't an emergency vehicle. People behind me were honking, unkowing at what was ahead of them. I drove to my destiniation trembling and crying. I thought of my own daughter. I called my husband because I was so terrified at what I had witnessed. I still am and the day is only half done.
I don't know how to keep the image out of my mind nor the how to rid the emotions that are physically making me ill.

Catching up in Our Daily Struggles

Its been quite a while since I've been able to visit here again and update my blog.
Life has a way of making one split in every direction at the same time till you don't have enough elasticity or slack left to stretch.
Our beautiful daughter has now recently turned 3 years old. She is definately shown a lot of change and progress since her last B-day. It's amazing how quickly the growing years of my daughter slip by so fast. Makes me wonder if this is how it felt for my parents or all parents, for that matter. As a kid, time seems to never move fast enough. Funny how double digits give you a different perspective in life.
My hubby has now been going through chemo for over a year. It's still a hard struggle to deal with on a day to day basis. We try only to look foward at the ultimate goal, to get healed. This summer looks to be the 1st that we don't go to the beach. Out daughter is at such a great age that I regret losing the opportunity to see her playing in the sand and ocean. Not to mention that I was planning to take Daisy (our beagle) to the beach for the 1st time. I could just see her making such a huge mess of her self. But then that's part of the joy of going to the beach , isn't it?
You get a room overlooking the beach and you plan on a day of fun. You come back to the room, shower to go eat out, then you come back to get the best sleep of your life. The sandy mess is left for someone else to clean up. Now that is the life.
Last time we went to the beach we got our usual room. Though it wasn't warm enough to really go out and play on sand, we enjoyed staying in our room playing video games while we listened to the sound of the ocean life around us. Very relaxing atmosphere, especially for someone who had chemo therapy to look foward to.
In the mean time we take one day at a time to survive, we enjoy and appreciate each day that extiguishes with each sunset, and embrace the challenges that life presents us.

The Waking Dream...

Life, captured, imprisoned in darkness
Wiped clean of memory and freedom
Yet nurtured and adored
expected and awaited to be born

Is that what happens to a soul?
Is it the curiousity of the heard desire;
an expecting mother
who captures it within her womb?

Birth rejoiced
The light revealed
Curious freedom
Life fulfilled
Lucia

Erik and I about a year ago before he got sick again.  

This is my wonderful Hubby and our daughter. There is no question of how much love we have for each other. 

Life, What a Miracle

Life, what a miracle it is
To hear the song of breaking day
To see the brilliance of its dawn upon the earth
To smell the sweet fragrance of the bay
To taste the liquid of rebirth
-Lucia-

My Hubby..

My hubby and I will have been married for four years now. Add about six years of being friends and we've been together for quite sometime. He and I will not be together on our anniversary for the first time. You see my husband has cancer. I knew he had it before the day we were married but before the first year was up so was his cancer. During that time that his cancer was in remission, we had the great fortune and blessing to have conceived a daughter. We spent a good year and a half before he got sick again. This time it has been more of a struggle than ever before. He tries to cope with not always being able to do the things he feels he should be able to do. I work as hard and as much as I can to maintain the insurance through my job, the joy in our home, and the insanity that threatens to overcome us. We have made it through the last year with all it holidays. Our daughter is getting bigger, more talkative, and much faster for mama and dadda to run after. Our lives are very full but it would never have been if it weren't for my husband. He means everything in the world to me. We have always had great friendship. As a friend he has been someone who is always there for me in times of disarray and havoc as well as in times of joy and fun. Erik is the kind of person that I can feel comfortable with in whatever the situation might be. If we argue, no matter how spiteful the conversation could get, in the end we always come out as friends. You can't beat someone one who takes you just the way you are, flaws and all.

I like to brag about my husband. He's not perfect, but he is mine and I love everything that he is. I will stand by him in life no matter what happens and I want him to know it and the world can know it too.

Right now, we are hitting a really rough spot in our lives, more his life than anything else. He is starting to lose faith that he will ever recover from this cancer. I hope that this will not be the case. I don't know how to comfort him any more but I hope that he will find new strength to keep it together. I will love him no matter how bad things may seem to get between us and I just hope that he realizes it. I hope that he understands that though I may not suffer the constant probing and prodding, that I suffer with him too. I don't like to see my love in pain and its hard not to be able to be with him every waking moment of the day. I get burnt out too; trying to play the role of the working mom and care-giving wife. I try my best but if I lose it, I hope that it is understood why.

I want and hope only the best for my husband. I love you Erik.